Sunday, July 02, 2006

The Fried Onion

By Tom Weiss FRIED ‘ONION’ May 26. 2006


Stock markets and governments on all continents except Judy (“The Penguin”)
Cunningham’s home of Antarctica were shaken by an as yet unsubstantiated report that renown anarchist Richie Degen was meditating on the question of registering to vote. Mr. Degen, the only fully licensed anarchist in America, while publicly denouncing electoral politics, which has produced Hillary Clinton and George W. Bush, among other embarrassments, has been atypically under the radical radar in recent weeks. A rumor that he may have headed for Staten Island, caused a brief flurry of excitement on the ferry which soon died down after Degen was spotted in Union Square.

In any event the rumor that Degen might actually register to vote led to a notice to all members of the New York City Council to stand by for a possible emergency session, which would consider dropping the second “e” from the Major Deegan Expressway. Indeed, New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner, a vocal opponent of anarchism, said that he could oppose any re-spelling of the Expressway, which runs right past the
“The House that Built”, but nonetheless a historic structure that Council Speaker Christine Quinn and her Steinbrenner-compliant colleagues want to replace, much to the gratification of some folks from New Jersey but to the dismay of many more who live in the Bronx.

Ripples of the reported Degen meditation have extended as far away as Communist China. That government, which shares George Steinbrenner’s (and George W. Bush’s views with regard to anarchism), concerned over the possibility of Degen entering a voting booth this year, has warned that it might decide to annex New York City’s Chinatown, declaring it to be a part of Shanghai. His Holiness, The Dalai Lama of Tibet, aware of Degen’s support for Tibetan independence from China, and also fully aware of Hillary Clinton’s business dealings with the Chinese Communist imperialists, and a man uniquely knowledgeable about both politics and meditation, smiled but had no immediate comment.


A new ripple has just entered the hot political battle over immigration with the discovery that Queens resident Geoffrey Blank is actually an illegal immigrant - from Uranus.
Although Blank’s favorite politician Hillary Clinton urged immigration authorities to
exercise restraint, several rallies around the country called for Blank’s immediate
deportation. Surprisingly, in an effort to keep Blank from being forced to return to his home in Outer Space, a spokesperson from Al Qaeda offered Blank asylum in Pakistan, where there is an asylum waiting for him. That recommendation was immediately backed by Lyndon H. LaRouche, Jr. another Blank role model. Acting President George W. Bush, stating, “I kinda like Blank, he’s sort of nuclear”, assured the alien that no immediate
deportation will take place for two reasons. One is the reported shortage of lifeguards at
NYC beaches. The second relates to concerns expressed by a number of pediatricians as
to what would become of Blank’s over 30 year old baby brother Jason, who may be completely unable to take care of himself with his older sibling back in Uranus. Jason, also an illegal alien, however, is from Pluto. While there is an extradition treaty with Uranus, the U.S. has no such agreement with Pluto.

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